Craigslist Job Postings Interpreted

We are seeking polished administrative assistants, in other words someone who doesn’t look like they grabbed their clothes off the floor and has never been a guest on the Maury Povich Show. Must have with strong communication skills to be more specific, must be able to listen in English, speaking not required.  This is an exciting opportunity for individuals seeking team environment or recent college grads.  In other words, we are seeking individuals seeking a team environment or seeking recent college grads.  Like I am someone who is seeking a college grad, if you know what I mean, cubicle booty anybody?  Or you can create a team of recent college grads in any environment.  Environments may vary, but the team part doesn’t. Must be willing to be blamed for managements incompetence.  We will ask you to be flexible with your hours, but not return the favor.


Responsibilities: 
Provide administrative and office management tasks- You will handle all the bullshit no one else wants to do.

Create marketing materials- We don’t know what we are saying about our brand.  We have no budget and want you, the team of recent college grads, to create flyers using only Microsoft Word and a dot matrix printer.  Collages welcomes.


PowerPoint presentations- Must have ideas.  We are unclear of what PowerPoint is, but are certain it will revolutionize our sale figures.


Daily administrative support- To reiterate, there is plenty of bullshit with which you will deal.

Prepare, maintain and update excel reports on a regular basis- Upper Management is certain they need these reports.  It is unclear whether or not they are read, but we have to have the numbers.

Other duties as assigned- Make coffee, remind CEO to change contacts every 6 weeks, more bullshit

Requirements: 
Minimum of 6 months experience- Experience in anything, we will hire a baby as long as that baby is a recent college graduate.

Strong PowerPoint experience and presentation skills- All study abroad photos will be considered legitimate presentations as long as they are in PowerPoint
 
MS Office, Word, Excel- People tell us that Word and Excel are part of Microsoft Office, but we’re going to need you to explain that again.  If you own a MAC, you’re not polished enough for us.

Excellent verbal and written skills – Must have large enough vocabulary to criticize upper management without criticizing upper management.  Must be able to write all future job postings.