Dear Car Gods,
Please stop attacking me. I'm pleading with you. I will get my car registered with the State of California. I have an appt May 18th. But you know there is this whole money thing. I know you are angry but throwing an awning off an Arby's at my windshield just makes it take longer. Or putting a cop on my previously un-policed street to give me tickets two days in a row, just makes it take longer. Or the strange rattling sound that now comes from the bottom of my car. Or the fact that I can hear my brakes when I just got them in August. Or Or Or. Grace me mighty ones with just a moment to catch up. One moment or a winning mega millions lotto ticket. You're choice. But I would go with the lotto ticket.
Unsuspecting Oak Forest, Illinois resident Jeremy Hynes was distraught yesterday after his then girlfriend, Karen Duran, fatally wounded his beloved Mortal Kombat character, Sub Zero.
“He said he wanted to spend some time together. I wanted to watch a movie, but he made me play that dumb game,” says former girlfriend Duran. “He freaked out. I don’t know. I just like Kitana because she’s girl.”
Neighbors report the couple exited their house to the front lawn where they proceed to act out the match. The grappling caught the attention of passing police officers. Although no arrests were made, officers did enjoy a mighty battle.
“She was just button mashing. I wanted to prove I could kick her ass in real life,” said Hynes while iced his broken jaw.
Hynes has not been charged, although Duran plans to pursue charges and may attempt the signature “Kiss of Doom” in the courtroom.
We are seeking polished administrative assistants, in other words someone who doesn’t look like they grabbed their clothes off the floor and has never been a guest on the Maury Povich Show. Must have with strong communication skills to be more specific, must be able to listen in English, speaking not required. This is an exciting opportunity for individuals seeking team environment or recent college grads. In other words, we are seeking individuals seeking a team environment or seeking recent college grads. Like I am someone who is seeking a college grad, if you know what I mean, cubicle booty anybody? Or you can create a team of recent college grads in any environment. Environments may vary, but the team part doesn’t. Must be willing to be blamed for managements incompetence. We will ask you to be flexible with your hours, but not return the favor.
Provide administrative and office management tasks- You will handle all the bullshit no one else wants to do.
Create marketing materials- We don’t know what we are saying about our brand. We have no budget and want you, the team of recent college grads, to create flyers using only Microsoft Word and a dot matrix printer. Collages welcomes.
PowerPoint presentations- Must have ideas. We are unclear of what PowerPoint is, but are certain it will revolutionize our sale figures.
Daily administrative support- To reiterate, there is plenty of bullshit with which you will deal.
Prepare, maintain and update excel reports on a regular basis- Upper Management is certain they need these reports. It is unclear whether or not they are read, but we have to have the numbers.
Other duties as assigned- Make coffee, remind CEO to change contacts every 6 weeks, more bullshit
Minimum of 6 months experience- Experience in anything, we will hire a baby as long as that baby is a recent college graduate.
Strong PowerPoint experience and presentation skills- All study abroad photos will be considered legitimate presentations as long as they are in PowerPoint
MS Office, Word, Excel- People tell us that Word and Excel are part of Microsoft Office, but we’re going to need you to explain that again. If you own a MAC, you’re not polished enough for us.
Excellent verbal and written skills – Must have large enough vocabulary to criticize upper management without criticizing upper management. Must be able to write all future job postings.
You know, I wouldn't necessarily call myself a patriotic person. I did take a trip to Southeast Asia this summer and come home more grateful to be an American than when I left. But as usual the day in and day out of living in this country eroded my enthusiasm.
I am at a loss of what to do. Big farm, big pharm, and big biz continue to shit all over me/us. This does not feel like a country for the people by the people, but more like for the moneymakers by the lobbyists. We pay for politicians to get elected. So they can argue about partisian issues using their constituents as "the reason" for their perspective when I know it has little to do with me and everything to do with who will pay for their re-election campaign. How in the world can someone who doesn't even come close to the average income bracket of an American understand the daily struggles that are significant?
I hear people clamoring for healthcare and campaign reform but even attempts at something new are thwarted. Insurance companies pay for Viagra but don't pay for birth control. Planned Parenthood's budget is cut at a time when people need low-income healthcare more than ever. But Congress is still willing to sponsor NASCAR. Federal funding isn't even used for abortions but the right wing has won the smear campaign that turned Planned Parenthood from an affordable option providing services to women and the underprivileged, into a political hot topic. So women aren't able to afford pregnancy prevention, family planning or pre-natal healthcare. But dudes can still get their dick hard at a reasonable cost.
There are things I celebrate about this country. We have clean water, comfort for some, infrastructure, the right to have a voice, opportunity, freedom to move and challenge and organize. But God forbid that any of those things get in the way of commerce.
Shit, the agricultural/food production industry in this country is making us all sick. I shop at Farmer's markets, grow some stuff, but I still look to our government to say, "No. GMO, pesticides, and caged meat factories is absolutely not in the best interests of the constituency." Our food is pumped with antibiotics and hormones. We don't even test for mad cow. The FDA didn't think we needed to. WHAT?! The F in FDA, is a big 'ole F you!
I don't know what the answer is. I vote. I try and make conscientious buying choices. I'm vocal. But dear lord in heaven I between work and comedy. I don't know where else to find the time.
I believe in the values that founded this country. That all people are created equal that life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is our right. That we are a great nation that has the ability to move past it's own hatred and do what is just for EVERYONE, to be a country of giving rather than taking. Liberty and Justice and for all. That is what I pray. That the light is stronger than the darkness. That these ideas are moving and surfacing in ways I don't know about, and in the end we will calmly lift each other up.
So don't know if you had a chance to read the previous blog, but I was cast with this piece in the essay show "Listen to Your Mother". Information/blog about the show and the cast announcement is at the link below.