So, I acknowledge that I have been endlessly blessed to have been born into my family, to have been born in America, to have been born into a middle class educated demographic.
All of these things are gifts to me, and also sometimes give me a bit of a elitelist filter. But I will tell you right now I hate being limited in funds. I refrain from using the word poor, and you better believe I looked up the actually statistics, but I do not qualify as poor; which is unbelievable. I can't imagine squeaking by more than I do now. I can't imagine trying to raise a family on what I bring in. Hell I have a debate with myself at the grocery store about "how much I really love mayonaise". I love mayonaise. I also love brand names. I've taken to shopping at "Super King" an independent grocery chain that I've never heard of but has the cheapest produce this side of Mexico. They also have brands I have never seen, or want to try, and a meat section that actually smells like rotting carcass.
I know I get it. I'm a snobby little brat that wants my meat to smell like lavender. Yes, yes I do. I would also love organic choices. I would also love for the grocery store to not be another version of the emergency room with giant carts and ice cream. Kids screaming, everyone pushing, people, people, people, everywhere.
I want my big aisles, elevator music, and pre-made food I want to eat.
There is this battle that goes on inside of me. I reflectively think, "You should see the world around you and pray with gratitude that you have been blessed in so many ways." Then the other part of me comes out and says, "I want."
I want to finish furnishing my apt. I want to go out to eat when I want. I want to buy new and not second hand. I want to fill up my tank, rather than drive around until I literally run out of gas on the 170.
I'm trying to maintain perspective. I am trying to breath deep and see the abundance around me, to know I have a job when I might not. I have a car and an apt and a family who is the eternal safety net. But there is still that loud voice that says, "I want it all."
I went running today and I dedicated my run to letting go of wanting, and now I send it out into cyber space, a quiet plea, something bigger than me, help me let go of wanting, and instead of seeing holes, see the abundance I am swimming in.
10/24/2011 04:18:42 am
Authentic abundance does not lie in secured stockpiles of food or cash or influence or affection but in belonging to a community where we can give those goods to others who need them – and receive them from others when we are in need. – Parker Palmer
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Gillian Bellinger is an LA based comic rockin' it in the free world.