Gillian Bellinger
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Listen to Your Mother

3/29/2011

2 Comments

 
This is something I wrote for the upcoming show Listen to Your Mother.


The idea sucks all the air out of my body, and I come to in the middle of Trader Joe’s crying in front of butternut squash ravioli. 

My momma, how will I live without my momma.  I feel like I won’t.  Like that is the moment when I will just stop, when I won’t feel like doing or fighting or being what I want anymore.  That I will just curl up into a ball and shatter into a thousand pieces of grief.  That the world around me will no longer have the depth and joy that it did.

My mom thinks this is hilarious.  “Gillian you’re being over-dramatic.  It’s just a part of life.”

“Mom!”

“What”

“Mom.”

“Jill there’s nothing you can do about it.  I’m not sick. I’m just getting older.”

“I hate it!”

“Me too.”

I come home and see grey I didn’t see before.  Movements that feel slower. 

What will I do?  What will I do when she is gone? This woman who can scoop me up in a way no one else can.  Fathers and lovers and brothers and friends can hold me tight, but she can hold me tighter.  This Southern woman with a soothing cadence that says, “What is it honey?” and I know it doesn’t matter what “it” is, but just that she is and I am and that she pats me the way she always does. One two three.  Rub.  And I let go.

Gillian, she isn’t dying.  I know! I’m just…I’m getting older too. 

I want more, and I want her to hold my babies if I have them.  But I feel like time is running away from me and her and all of us.

I'm on the 10 year plan. And by 10 year plan, I mean in 10 years I'm gonna say, “Shit, I forgot to have kids. Time to steal a baby.”

I mean the only way I'm going to intentionally get pregnant is by accident. Whoops! Thought my IUD was my tampon.

I want to be the movie star I know I am, in time for her to see it.  And I want to be as rich as I know I will be, in time to give her things that are so expensive they seem magical.  I want to come into my moment now, so I have the freedom to find more moments with her.  So that I am free to scoop her up when the time comes that she needs me.  So I can hold her tighter.  One two three. Rub. “What is it momma?”

And then I come to in the middle of Trader Joe’s crying in front of butternut squash ravioli.

“I’m fine.  I just feel strongly about winter vegetables.”
2 Comments
Libby Bellinger
3/29/2011 07:00:22 am

I'm Gillian's mother. I am calm and quiet and seldom worry about the future. So, in those things Gillian and I are very different. Our humor, however, is similar; mine is less bawdy.

I am old enough to have lost both my parents and know the pain of their not being any longer. However, I didn't worry about this when they were in their sixties! Gillian is much more in touch with her feelings....and I can see why summer squash would cause this reaction because of the fantastic squash casserole that I make.

I am also a Gerontologist...so do you see any irony in her statements. I am about affirming people aging well. I may not practice what I teach, but I do know some of what to do that aids God's design.

I affirm that I am getting older. I acknowledge that I would like to have grandchildren before I'm eighty, but my life won't stop if I don't have any. I have two fantastically, wonderful children, who are opposite in most every way. We all know one thing however, and that is that we are loved by the other.

What more could one want out of a long life but to love your family, to receive love back, and know that you will be taken care of in older age, even if you have to live in your son's basement!

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Alaina
3/29/2011 02:17:04 pm

I LOVE the Bellingers!! This made me giggle and tear up a bit too. It's all so true...but especially the love. :o)

Loves,
Alaina

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    Gillian Bellinger is an LA based comic rockin' it in the free world.

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